Tarots
by LatheJoiye
Summary: Tied to the fortune-telling cards, Kanda wonders and ponders. "But maybe he just had no where else to go. Or maybe he had a silent retribution to himself; if Alma never escaped, Kanda should not either." Character in-sight. Alma Arc Spoilers. R&R!


_**A Lacrimosa fic~**_

_The Moon_

This is utter idiocy, frivolous. Really, how could a deck of stupid cards tell your fortune? And the old man buys it, that weird, crazy teacher of his whom always seem to be drawing. Now, he was stuck in a damn inn sitting in front of the man. But Kanda says nothing; he respects the old man, even if he was peculiar. Kanda watches as the charcoal-stained hands shuffles the cards.

"Yu-kun, the first card is to be your past; what you have been."

With that he picks up the first card, puts it down, face up.

"The second is your present."

And he picks up another, lays it next to the former.

"The third is your future"

He picks up the third and puts it next to the other two.

Really, what is with this stupid card reading thing? Kanda does not get it. After all, he already knew his past, present and future: his past, a test subject; his present, an Exorcist; his future, he was going to die one day. That's all he knew, and that's all he wanted and needed to know; nothing more, nothing less.

So Kanda did not believe the cards: the Sun, Temperance, and Judgement.

For this is what he is now:

_The Hermit_

The lone figure walked elegantly across the rugged landscape, a katana in its sheath clanging rhythmically as it bounced with its master's stride. Slowly, the figure made its way into the forest, and perched himself onto a warm little flat rock jutting out. Cross-legged, he sat, eyes closed, back straight; meditative style. The setting sun shone upon his face, tinting the pastel skin a pale red colour. It was beautiful, almost like a statue, almost; with the unnoticeable deep breaths and the slight dance of his hair in the breeze. One might not notice him there if they just passed by. Yet, footsteps made their way along the narrow trek behind him, and came over.

"Hey, Kanda-sama! Wha'cha doing?"

"Go away." He replied, malice dripping off his words as he placed his hand upon the hilt of Mugen, ready to unsheathe it.

"Aww, don't be a sour puss." The stupid finder pouted.

"What are you doing here?" Kanda demanded, curious as to why anyone but him would be doing in the middle of a forest when there was a path that cut through it, he stood up, gracefully.

"I should be the one asking you that! I saw you being moody and all and wondered if you're okay. So, I followed you all the way-" the other rambled, hands starting to swing animatedly.

"You followed me?" Mugen was on the verge of being drawn out.

"Well er…You looked- " 'Oh shits' ran through the finder's mind as he cursed his mouth for his fall into this precarious situation. It only stopped when he found himself staring down a particularly sharp katana to eyes that clearly said "leave me alone".

Fearful for his life, the finder backed off and promised to never bother the boy again.

That was when Kanda was a new addition, 11 years and the second youngest exorcist in headquarters. And Kanda was not always like that before, as there was this:

_The Sun_

Kanda laughed as Alma tripped and skidded across the wet icy floor, landing with his heels over his head and a yelp of surprise.

And what started that was this:

_The Lovers_

A single figure of a child walked forward, not minding the cold mist forming around him. Slowly, he came to a second figure, sitting on the frosty hard floor, his knees pulled close and head bent down. The figure stopped right in front, then squatting down; he stuck out his hand, two fingers raised.

"Yu," he called, smiling as the other looked up.

"Wanna go to the cafeteria? Edgar told me there's this thing called tomato ketchup. It's thick and he says it goes well with the French Fries we ate the other day. You wanna try?" he continued, bubbling with excitement as he spoke each word.

And before the other could respond, the thrilled boy dragged the one named 'Yu', eager to gratify Yu with this new revelation called 'Tomato Ketchup'.

And this:

_Judgement_

"Stop laughing you Alma Creep"

"I can't help it. We're bleeding like mad here"

That was what was said just after they had punched each other and landed in their respective pools of their own blood pouring out of the now reopened wounds.

_The Tower_

And the finder rambled for weeks on end over that boy, Kanda being an ungrateful jerk who tried killing someone who was just genuinely concerned about him after getting out of the forest. And everyone else does not believe him, until they saw the boy glaring death at everyone in his way. Instead of 'Nay, who could be so evil?', they say 'its just the brat's normal detestable behaviour'; with true believe in their words and their noses up with knowing they were unquestionably correct in their cleverness.

But nobody truly knew that Kanda had gone there on Alma's death anniversary, for he never remembered the other's birthday, or the day he came out of his hole for that matter. So the cold samurai had taken to giving a little tribute to his former best friend, emotions tumbling over each other behind that carefully placed blank face.

For this was what he was taught:

_The Emperor_

An apostle should learn to control their emotions. Remember this, the both of you. That was what Sirlins drummed in his head, along with many other rules. An apostle should seek to destroy the Noahs and Akumas, even at the expense of your companions. And this: You were made to destroy Akuma, that is what you live to do.

Alma did not really like Sirlins after that, and protested loudly for all to hear, claiming the things Sirlins said were utter bullshit. Kanda disliked Sirlins too. But Alma was later dragged away for an hour and when he came back, he was silent and puffy-eyed. So Kanda put on a straight face, and pretended to hold no grudges. So Kanda learnt, they should never go against their ass-hole superiors.

But there were better lessons:

_The High Priestess_

"Look, Yu"

Kanda looked. There was something the Branch Assistant, Edgar had in his hands. It was like a stick, with green flat round-shaped sheets sticking out, which Kanda learnt to be called leaves. Up the stick at the end was a dainty ring of white things arranged neatly. Kanda thought the thing was funny, with a yellow bulge in the centre of the ring.

"What's that?" he asked, rather inquisitively.

"A flower," was the answer.

Flower?

"Yes. Outside, during spring, meadows would be filled with colours of blues, yellows, greens and reds when the flowers bloom. But in late Summer, when Autumn comes, the petals (see these white things here) would fall off. Kanda stared at the funny thing, wondering how pretty it would look in blue.

"Can I touch it?"

Edgar gave a slight sound of puzzlement.

"Can I touch the thing… flower?" Kanda repeated.

"Oh, of course, Yu." Edgar placed the flower in Kanda's outstretched hand.

And Kanda hated the stupid dumpy fingers on his hands. They were clumsy and always in the way. And he hated how those fingers were squashing the soft elegant petals. One day, his fingers should be pulled long and thin, perfect for holding fragile little things like this flower gently. And he also decided that he hated Autumn, for coming and taking away the pretty little petals on the flower.

_The Empress_

And Kanda also hated the way his eyes felt a little wet as he sat there on the rock in the clearing of the forest, facing the setting sun after the idiot finder had left. Just like what he felt when he had cried out that night as the memories came back, and Tiedoll had come to comfort him with that stupid, stupid fatherly way only the General could.

_Strength_

And Tiedoll pitied the child, for the Asian Branch's people had found the 10-year-old, with his clothes blood-soaked and ripped to rags, dragging Marie on his back with his eyes downcast. And Leverrier had forced the boy to repeat the events of that catastrophe, in absolute detail. But what shook Tiedoll was the silent shaking of the poor child, with the tears clogged up behind the blank façade, eyes vacant and dark, as he recalled events of which nobody, much less a child, should have experienced. And Tiedoll could only breathe freely when he saw the silent and hidden tears of his new student at night. So he did as much as he could and comforted the boy despite the student's attempts to push him away.

_Wheel of Fortune_

But after a while, Kanda stopped remembering the day Alma died. He stopped thinking about it altogether.

And Kanda also hated the name, "Yu". Lavi used it anyway, that idiot rabbit. Even though:

_The Fool_

Don't call Kanda by his first name. That's what everyone said. Don't call him 'Yu' unless you have a death wish. Why? They would say it was a Japanese thing, you would not identify a stranger by their first name; it was rude. And the swordsman had no friends, so no one should called him 'Yu', no one SHOULD.

But really, Kanda just didn't like that name because it was what they called him. It was what they used to identify him. Test Subject Yu.

That's what they saw him as, an experimental subject; just an experimental subject.

_The Moon_

And when Lavi calls him Yu-chan, Kanda sometimes cannot help but wonder why they had given him that name. Kanda meant God's Field; it figured much, since he was supposed to be an apostle of God. But 'Yu' meant nothing; just a filler, just an empty chord unheard.

Perhaps they ran out of God-related names and muttered Kanda over and over, trying to pluck a first name out of the air. "Kanda" "Your name is Kanda" "You, Kanda" "You Kanda" "Yu Kanda" Maybe somehow, that just stuck. And Kanda was not JUST Kanda anymore, but Yu Kanda.

_The High Priestess_

And he knew that. Just as he knew and read English naturally though he never saw the letters before; just as he could speak Japanese fluently even though he never learnt it; just as he was as skilled as a swordsman trained for all his life was even though he had not known, much less seen, a sword previously; just as he knew Mugen was called Mugen though he never knew what it meant; and just as he longed to meet that person even though he never saw her face.

_The Emperor_

And Tiedoll gave Kanda the deck of Tarot Cards one day, his precious deck that had cost a good load of shop hunting and the selling of his dear art pieces to get. So after going through all that trouble, Kanda still could not believe why the old man cared so much about a deck of useless pieces of drawn upon paper.

_The Fool_

And the Finders soon learnt that they should leave the long-haired Japanese Exorcist alone. So they passed down this message, to the new and utterly unknowing newcomers. Hopefully, they get the message. Most do, but once in a while would come an arrogant Finder, who upon approach of the loner would find himself insulted and life-threatened. After that, all present Finders took the precaution seriously, until the next dim-witted newcomer comes along.

_The Magician_

Kanda drew the three cards again. And they were still the Sun, Temperance, and Judgement.

_Death_

But he lost the cards one day, burned in the fire borne of the Akuma's destruction. Tiedoll smiled and said it was fine, they could get another deck. Kanda said he did not care. Daisya asked if he could get one if Kanda did not want it. And Kanda 'Che-d', for it meant another shop hunting spree and split tears over the sold art pieces. The old man was just too eccentric, crying over the art even though he sold them himself.

_The Hanged Man_

And Kanda wondered all too often about why he was still here. Why he was still stuck with the Black Order, unmoving through the ticking time. Maybe it was his pride; he wanted to prove himself capable of doing something, and not just be a test subject. Maybe it was because Marie was there; he owed Marie something for helping him calm down back there in the institute. But maybe he just had no where else to go. Or maybe he had a silent retribution to himself; if Alma never escaped, Kanda should not either. Kanda does not care; the fact is he is still there.

And even as the cards came together again, the cards still read: the Sun, Temperance, and Judgement

_**Fin~**_

**D. Gray-Man © Hoshino**


End file.
